Funny Things My Dad Says

In honor of my father's 64th
Happy Birthday, you big dork

"She's been rode hard and put away wet"
- about a woman who looks like she's busted/tired/been around the block

"I clicked on the link and now the damn computer's just sitting here playing with itself."
- adventures in dial-up

"Hit the bricks, bitch."
- said to a nun

"Shut yer pie hole."

"Junior was busy running off at the mouth."
- the way he described Luis after their first meeting

"Uhhhh, booger."
- the first thing he came up with when asked to pick a password

"Maaaa, I want the Krispy Kreeeeeme!"
- screamed at my mother in the Cartman voice in the middle of Walmart

"You smell what?"
- his response to anything you say to him - going deaf, he never hears you the first time around

"All the river. Mercy buckets."
- making fun of me and mom speaking French

"He's just practice."
- said about every boyfriend I've ever had, except for Luis. I guess it's game time now, baby!

"He's a little light in his loafers."
- describing my first real crush, who really did turn out to be gay

"Heaving your burritos"
- euphemism for throwing up