Auld Lang Suck: the Failure of New Year's Eve to Stimulate and Entertain
Introduction
This study has been undertaken by the research team in order to delineate and quantify the level of displeasure with New Year's Eve as experienced by Manhattan worker monkeys. The research team has elected to put forth this effort as a direct reaction to the tiresome, small-talky elevator conversations that have transpired from 12.28.04 through 12.31.04. In this study, we shall prove that New Year's Eve is not only a stupid excuse for a celebration, but also a disappointing chaotic mess when experienced in Manhattan.
Materials & Methods
The study was conducted on Friday, January 31, 2004 from 10:30 a.m. until 12:30 p.m. at the desk of the principal investigator. All worker monkeys were questioned by electronic mail, shouting across the room, or telepathic communication, and submitted their responses to the research team similarly. Participating worker monkeys were selected on an entirely subjective basis, and should not be construed to represent a random sample of worker monkeys, but rather a complete sample of intelligent, like-minded worker monkeys. To protect the identity of each participant, their responses will be preceded by an arbitrary letter and amusing characteristic. Data was analyzed using a complicated spreadsheet with lots of pretty colors.
Results & Interpretations
The responses gathered have proven the team's hypothesis that New Year's Eve is an absolute abomination, as well as a blight on all other respectable holidays and occassions for getting wasted.
Worker Monkey A (gigantic feet)
"Dude, New Year's can suck my ass. Every year I look around at the crushing mass of humanity and realize that they are all pretending to have fun."
Worker Monkey B (drops horrific SBDs every afternoon)
"Last year I paid $150 to go to a bar that was completely full of vapid, over-cologned people. What can I say - I thought it would be fun! Instead, I spent the evening getting completely blitzed on $18 martinis and throwing up in a cab on the way home at 12:02."
Worker Monkey C (attached earlobes)
"Where do they pee? All those Times Square idiots, I mean. Tell me that! It's disgusting."
Worker Monkey D (sensitive new-age guy)
"I got all my drinking out of my system in college. I'm an adult person now. Is it too much to ask for the other adults to quit acting like 18 year old girls at their first frat party? Come on, now."
Worker Monkey E (nice watch)
"When you're single, all you can think about is who you will kiss on New Year's Eve. When you're in a relationship, you've got the person to kiss, but the big midnight moment is always sort of a letdown. Somehow it isn't as magical as you think it should be, even if you're in love."
Worker Monkey F (popcorn fiend)
"Last year, I saw this trashy drunk bitch totally hit the pavement. That was awesome in a wow-humans-are-totally-disgusting sort of way."
Worker Monkey G (nervous tic)
"Most nights, I'm in bed by 10:30. On New Year's, I have to fight to stay awake until midnight, and even so I'm yawning and have a glazed look in my eyes. If I'm with friends, they inevitably think I'm bored or uninterested in hanging out with them. Not at all! I just can't function so late at night, especially if I have a few glasses of something alcoholic."
Discussion
The research team expected the primary factor in the negative New Year's Eve experience to be related to the consumption of alcohol and subsequent hangovers; however, we were surprised to find that most respondents described their feelings more in line with disappointment and/or disgust in others. Does New Year's Eve bring out the worst in people? Does it allow us to see, with too focused and far-reaching a scope, just how base and moronic human behavior can be?
The team invites further discussion on this topic from the scientific community. We look forward to including the New Year's Eve experiences (past and present) of readers in future reports, so please document them using the comment system below.
Further Reading
Old, but still relevant
Apparently, "suck" is too subjective an adjective
From the other side of the bar
Oooh-kay
What's the hemisphere got to do, got to do with it?
This study has been undertaken by the research team in order to delineate and quantify the level of displeasure with New Year's Eve as experienced by Manhattan worker monkeys. The research team has elected to put forth this effort as a direct reaction to the tiresome, small-talky elevator conversations that have transpired from 12.28.04 through 12.31.04. In this study, we shall prove that New Year's Eve is not only a stupid excuse for a celebration, but also a disappointing chaotic mess when experienced in Manhattan.
Materials & Methods
The study was conducted on Friday, January 31, 2004 from 10:30 a.m. until 12:30 p.m. at the desk of the principal investigator. All worker monkeys were questioned by electronic mail, shouting across the room, or telepathic communication, and submitted their responses to the research team similarly. Participating worker monkeys were selected on an entirely subjective basis, and should not be construed to represent a random sample of worker monkeys, but rather a complete sample of intelligent, like-minded worker monkeys. To protect the identity of each participant, their responses will be preceded by an arbitrary letter and amusing characteristic. Data was analyzed using a complicated spreadsheet with lots of pretty colors.
Results & Interpretations
The responses gathered have proven the team's hypothesis that New Year's Eve is an absolute abomination, as well as a blight on all other respectable holidays and occassions for getting wasted.
Worker Monkey A (gigantic feet)
"Dude, New Year's can suck my ass. Every year I look around at the crushing mass of humanity and realize that they are all pretending to have fun."
Worker Monkey B (drops horrific SBDs every afternoon)
"Last year I paid $150 to go to a bar that was completely full of vapid, over-cologned people. What can I say - I thought it would be fun! Instead, I spent the evening getting completely blitzed on $18 martinis and throwing up in a cab on the way home at 12:02."
Worker Monkey C (attached earlobes)
"Where do they pee? All those Times Square idiots, I mean. Tell me that! It's disgusting."
Worker Monkey D (sensitive new-age guy)
"I got all my drinking out of my system in college. I'm an adult person now. Is it too much to ask for the other adults to quit acting like 18 year old girls at their first frat party? Come on, now."
Worker Monkey E (nice watch)
"When you're single, all you can think about is who you will kiss on New Year's Eve. When you're in a relationship, you've got the person to kiss, but the big midnight moment is always sort of a letdown. Somehow it isn't as magical as you think it should be, even if you're in love."
Worker Monkey F (popcorn fiend)
"Last year, I saw this trashy drunk bitch totally hit the pavement. That was awesome in a wow-humans-are-totally-disgusting sort of way."
Worker Monkey G (nervous tic)
"Most nights, I'm in bed by 10:30. On New Year's, I have to fight to stay awake until midnight, and even so I'm yawning and have a glazed look in my eyes. If I'm with friends, they inevitably think I'm bored or uninterested in hanging out with them. Not at all! I just can't function so late at night, especially if I have a few glasses of something alcoholic."
Discussion
The research team expected the primary factor in the negative New Year's Eve experience to be related to the consumption of alcohol and subsequent hangovers; however, we were surprised to find that most respondents described their feelings more in line with disappointment and/or disgust in others. Does New Year's Eve bring out the worst in people? Does it allow us to see, with too focused and far-reaching a scope, just how base and moronic human behavior can be?
The team invites further discussion on this topic from the scientific community. We look forward to including the New Year's Eve experiences (past and present) of readers in future reports, so please document them using the comment system below.
Further Reading
Old, but still relevant
Apparently, "suck" is too subjective an adjective
From the other side of the bar
Oooh-kay
What's the hemisphere got to do, got to do with it?
posted by Liz at 1:35 PM
1 Comments:
This is the most comprehensive report on why New Year's sucks ass that I have ever read. I loved it. Especially the neat and very telling descriptions of people, i.e. (tic).
Mich
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